Some of the over the top descriptions (impaled from a knife on the counter?!? Why do I feel like I hate my husband? The harsh truth is that you have a vague and unrealistic idea of marriage. A central . For instance, you may hate your husband solely because he refuses to stop drinking. Right? Just really need to rant. Imagine how shocking it is to hear some wives say, I hate my husband so much. What could be the reason for this statement, and what can you do? So let me see if I understand this. However, you will stop hating your husband when you acknowledge your role in the situation. Be supportive of your husband and understanding as your spouse learns these new traits. Jeez, I think these responses are kind of harsh. Not only does she sound like a danger to her grandchildren or anyone else living with her, which youve made clear is your concern, she is a danger to herself. It can happen very rapidly, one day everything is fine then the person is injured and in the hospital and when released they are discharged. Maybe before moving in with her (for free) she should have visited? Our first responsibility is ALWAYS to our minor children. I am not saying she should take care of the baby alone, but there are ways to say things. Some wives say I hate living with my husband because he refuses to change some of his unpleasant habits. Its really easy to theorize what it is like taking care of a wacko (through no fault of their own). Being married doesnt mean you wont find others attractive. Good luck. He's not perfect but no one is. But the mother sounds like a narcissistic nightmare. Talk to your husband about what he means by caring for her. Its one thing to know that someone had a stroke and quite another thing to know how much someone may have changed, especially if you arent there to see it. Im just saying the tone at which people are responding to the LW is off. June 18, 2015, 9:38 am, I like Wendys response. 5 Ways Lying Destroys Marriages, 15 Ways to Deal With an Unsupportive Partner During Pregnancy, 15 Ways to Know if Theres Enough Physical Intimacy in Your Relationship. They tend to be confrontational and hard headed. The fact that Mom is providing the roof currently does not give her carte blanche for any and all bad behaviour. Accept that he can never be the charming prince you see on the television. My mom gave me a teaspoon of sugar for hiccups, and I certainly did not have a sugar addiction, in fact, I didnt like overly sweet things or soda or icing when I was a kid. . They feel they are just protecting their vulnerable child, with little awareness of the effect it has had on me and other sis. He doesn't work on the relationship. If your husband doesnt care about your opinion or values but only what matters to him, it will cause a rift between you. You probably thought everything would be rosy forever, but thats not true. Giving care is one thing. We were always responsible for working around her illness and walking on eggshells. She falls walking on a flat surface with nothing in her hands but she is super mad that my husband and I have made it clear that she will not be caring for the new baby or holding it while walking. If you cant get past why you hate your husband so much, it may be time for you to seek the help of a marriage counselor. Free housing! She didnt know what she was signing up for. )and its very different. makes you sound super petty and ridiculous. But realistically, it sounds like it was just that you lived separately and helped her out less? Being married doesnt mean you wont find others attractive. Someone just left it carelessly, is all, and the configuration of the kitchen meant you could come around the corner without seeing it. June 18, 2015, 9:44 am. It is his first responsibility to see to the needs of his wife and children, including the stepchild. No matter how busy life is, spouses should dedicate time to each other. It sounds like LW did not know what she was signing up for when they moved in. My parents didnt and dont see what they were doing. ele4phant, Im with you. And some of your concerns being naked? As a result, you begin to project your fears on your husband and marriage. To pay for a home she would need to sell her house. I for one, aknowledge that these living conditions must be very difficult. something random Have you considered getting in home care, getting her into assisted living, ect. Working with people in this condition is taxing, so I really cant imagine living with them. ? I promised my mom that she could live in the east wing of my giant mansionguess whatshes not holding me to a promise I made as a child. 2. What do I mean? I'm laying in bed with our baby and am shaking from anger. FiL has some nerve lecturing LW about broken promises when he is the one that (presumably) vowed before God to take care of MIL through sickness and in health. They force us to take responsibility for what we're thinking and feeling, which protects others from our blame, guilt and judgment." Examples of I-Statements in romantic relationships: I feel scared when it seems like your family is more important to you than I am. The temporary hatred you feel often fades once your husband changes or you get what you want. I also know that its easy to talk about hiring care takers, but reality is that home care is very expensive and often difficult to get reimbursed by insurance. What changed all of a sudden? I think there is room for a grain of salt here in how we judge the LW. Understanding why you feel resentment in your marriage is the first step to understanding the full spectrum of emotions you harbor and deciding where your. However, its just for a short while. Hopefully your children treat you better when you are your MILs age than youre treating your MIL. But when my husband made the promise to always care for his mother, he wasnt married, didnt have a step-child or a brand new baby on the way. Im literally days away from my due date and my blood pressure has been going up. Constant dislike for your spouse shows an underlying problem you need to solve. No wonder she keeps herself in her room all day. June 18, 2015, 4:50 pm. something random She used to live with us and didnt treat me well. Wow- LW sounds horrible and whiney, poor husband,he married his mother. I want to weigh in here. Lisa Marie Presley loved being a mother to her "cubs.". His dad moved states, and they now have a strained relationship. Like LW has to be held responsible for a promise her husband made in his youth before he had the life experience to understand the possible ramifications. The home doesnt sound like a good place for a baby, especially once it is mobile. However, I didnt see an OUNCE of compassion in this letter. Ill graduate in a few days and have been applying to jobs that will hopefully hire me shortly after my baby is born so that we wont need any of her finances. June 18, 2015, 9:45 am. Want to have a happier, healthier marriage? I told him two weeks ago I don't love him and I just can't stand him. Its a daunting prospect to consider and I dont blame the letter writer for wanting out (on a purely emotional level). TaraMonster You wont see such a trait when you are courting because he is a good pretender. The womans her MIL. She got in way over her head. Having a selfish husband means being stuck with stunted communication in your marriage. Built in babysitter/dogsitter right next door! When my husband was two, she gave him weed to try to get him to go to sleep, and saw nothing wrong with being naked around him and allowing other females to be naked around him clear up to his teen years. . Is this a normal feeling? Its another thing to tell her shes a jerk and entitled. Research on narcissistic personality disorder would somewhat support this strategy. It is possible that you hate your husband because he stopped being responsible. How? She cant be left alone with a baby, not even holding a baby while the parent walks into the next room. There are ways to work this out without going crazy or ruining your marriage. You know- where folks can get an apartment-type setup, but they can get the level of help they need- be it someone to clean once a week or day or to help them get to appointments or take meds or whatever. Addie Pray A man who is close to his mother is not a mother's boy in a negative way. honeybeenicki Speaking of whichwho among you plans to hold your adult child to a promise made when they were younger and living a different situation? June 18, 2015, 11:04 am, That has to be so amazing to have your mom so close with your baby on the way , honeybeenicki Dont be so damn condescending just because you dont believe in how she parented 30 years ago or whenever. If couple activities were a part of your marriage and you stopped doing them because of busy work schedules, it may be the reason you have started to dislike your husband. She was conscious and present, but she physically had difficulty even just doing that. Not sure what youre talking about. You probably hate him because he is flawed. M. MiraclesHappenBelieve. That is pretty much human decency to help your parents out as they age and cant handle everything themselves. But now I get it- Husband promised his mother to take care of her, like, physically, not just help out and such. Turns out my daughter had tried to wake him up for juice, his mom told her not to wake him and that she would get it for her. 2. Maybe this means finding a duplex so people can have their own space, or helping MIL downsize to a place that is far more manageable and she can afford a cleaner once or twice a week. i hate my husband because of his mother santa margherita chianti classico 2014 intertops sports betting i hate my husband because of his mother May 10, 2022 We've always had communication and problem resolution issues. I think it would be an act of compassion to carefully consider that other people may have their own reasons for having a completely different set of expectations for themselves regarding their parents/in-laws besides just being a bad son or daughter that doesnt care about a helpless elder. Now that she knows this about herself and also knows caring for her ailing mother-in-law is an unbreakable condition for her marriage, she will hopefully look for solutions that work for everyone. something random honeybeenicki Stay calm and think it through to evaluate your marriage and save it from crumbling. I guess Im one the posters that understands how stressful and difficult this situation must be for LW. I dunno. June 18, 2015, 8:40 am. . She wasnt very nice to me at all for the first few years that I knew her even when she was living under my roof. At the very least, youd think if she cared nothing for the MIL, shed have at least cared enough about her 8-year-old daughter (if not herself) to check out the situation before moving in. This is why I love this site any arguements due to misreadings are address and moved on from quickly. In fact, someone else may be a far better option. It also means you acknowledge these differences and align with them. It wont make him change, and guess what? June 18, 2015, 10:27 am. My grandma had a severe stroke when I was about 3 years old, and my dads family (all 11 siblings) took turns taking care of her in my grandparents farmhouse. Someone left the knife on the counter with the blade sticking out. Sylvia believes that every couple can transform their relationship into a happier, healthier one by taking purposeful and wholehearted action. He avoids you or avoids being alone with you. And personally, I think a little sympathy would be more helpful in getting her to think rationally and kindly about the situation than telling her shes being entitled and being a bad person. I dont know the details of this promise your husband made, but to me, caring for someone can be accomplished in numerous ways. When you hate your husband so much, the reason could be because you are unhappy with yourself. Actually, as much as I love my own mother I would rather move her into an assisted living than allow her to abuse and berate my husbandI made vows to my husband not my mother. Skyblossom My husband blames him for being an absent dad. This isn't the first time. Your spouse had children before he or she met you. honeybeenicki Gah, absolutely everything you described thats currently happening is almost word for word post-stroke symptoms. It does not have to be living with her. If a new spouse cannot accept that, in my humble opinion (IMHO as the new generation says), the relationship is doomed. Its easy to shift blame to others. I agree compassion is often the best tool when dealing with difficult people. Oh, come on. But because of that I would never move in with either of my parents for free rent either. My point here is that stroke victims are greatly affected by even the most basic of things: cooking, cleaning, taking care of themselves, etc. Raccoon eyes If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com. But you need to get over yourself and recognize that your husband is stepping up and doing the right thing by caring for his ailing mother. Start by making your husband aware of your feelings before taking other steps. They often have tons of options for activities and just getting out may help her mental and emotional well being. These differences tend to clash when you dont compromise and make individuals incompatible. When you hate your husband so much, the reason could be because. As for being totally unaware of the current state of her MILs condition before they moved in? If you really can't get on with their family and are no longer on speaking terms, allow your partner to continue their relationship with them on. May 9, 2022 by by Yes, she needs to reframe this and not leave her MIL out to dry, but FFS, shes pregnant and stressed and dealing with a horrible situation. Her husbands promise isnt a promise, its a life sentence. Yesterday, I received an email from a woman who was overcome with negative emotions. I like Wendys suggestion that the letter writer finds a way to honor her obligation to her mother in law in way that doesnt dry her out from resentment year after year. Love is what we expect in a marriage, so a dislike for our spouse makes us anxious and stressed. Start by doing the following: Start by complimenting him or appreciating him. will crumble because living together often shows us their new traits. Why was that? June 18, 2015, 11:02 am. I think it is time you all started looking into retirement community-type things. Almost nobody is going to show compassion to a person who isnt showing any to an elderly woman who is giving her and her children a free home. June 18, 2015, 10:57 am. June 18, 2015, 9:37 am. Hes feeding her a line. RedRoverRedRover My story : . 6. June 18, 2015, 10:07 am. Last night I screamed in frustration and agony from the stupidity of the argument and the overwhelming hurt and loneliness of my feelings. But how many people here have actually taken care of an ungrateful, belligerent, careless, angry (through no fault of their own) in-law for years on end? Seriously. For instance, your partners appreciate kids, but you dont. If someone provides you a free place to live complaining about them makes you look like a jerk. I have to agree with all of the people who chimed in about mother sounding like a very typical right hemisphere stroke patient. Life is unpredictable, and marriage is full of surprises. Do you have any unresolved issues with yourself? However, you should check yourself when you start, The Significance and Importance of Forgiveness in a Marriage, We think they have failed and hate them when they dont meet our. Im an not saying she should get the thumbs up to just move out and leave her MIL as is. But before all the commenters go on parade, I will say I can feel from where this letter writer is coming from. No marriage is perfect as everyone is only trying their best to make it work. Seeking more interesting shared activities is fine, but she may not be creating any desire on the LWs part to be in her company. Had she never visited her? LW Ive been trying to come up with a compassionate response all morning. And not because of some grandiose moral notion of kindness, but because not being able to access that compassion makes every single moment of the process strained, draining, and just all around awful for yourself and everyone involved. All rights reserved. What does it mean to. Possibly. And not everyone wants to go around sharing their motives with the strangers of the world. It can pave the way for a better relationship. But, man like Taramonster said the LW doesnt seem compassionate at all. The situation of her living alone, in her house, should be remedied. Sylvia Smith loves to share insights on how couples can revitalize their love lives in and out of the bedroom. And I can just now stomach pineapple. It is simply about being able to express your thoughts honestly and openly to your spouse. ele4phant The Problem: As a kid, you were probably exposed to poor relationships. June 18, 2015, 10:49 am, honeybeenicki Understand that many of your expectations before marriage will crumble because living together often shows us their new traits. Have some compassion and dont treat people like inconveniences when they are helping you out financially. The best El Paso TX information website. It could be sitting down with her and going over finances and researching programs she could apply for to help pay for this kind of care (and even contributing to that care if one is in a financial position to do so). I have a feeling your tune would be very different. I have hatred and resentment towards him (from previous issues.. no cheating just disrespect) and tonight I decided I was DONE. It sounds like the MIL is going to need all of her own money so that she can be taken care of. And we even asked a contractor about the possibility of putting in an internal door in the future just in case. Also, I saw my mom naked all the time. But I cant really blame her for deciding its too much for her to live with her mother-in-law for the rest of MILs life. It really puts her in a terrible light, in my opinion. * You might hate your husband because he prioritizes only himself. You might hate your husband because of the wrong ideas from dysfunctional relationship beliefs that you have unconsciously absorbed from your environment. Id suggest putting a child gate across the door to grandmas room but grandma might not be able to open and close it and certainly doesnt sound able to step over it. June 18, 2015, 10:57 am. You should be more concerned when you frequently hate things about your husband. Depending on how bad she really is you could already be financially exploiting her and thats elder abuse. totally abandon her) as soon as you no longer need what shes been giving. You do know that years ago it wasnt well known that babies shouldnt have honey, right? Still, it's important not to bad mouth or criticize your in-laws to your spouse. Are you happy within yourself? Some women got attracted to their husbands because of their looks and physical attribute. Also, they offer proven methods that will save your marriage. Also, yeah it totally sucks that MIL had a stroke but having compassion doesnt mean that LW has to subject herself or her children to abuse and unsanitary living conditions. Why do I hate my husband? You. Whenever she asks us to do something she always says, Whenever you get the chance, doesnt have to be right now. Yet, if the request isnt fulfilled shortly after, she gets pissy. I just cant believe you are perfectly fine using your MIL for a place to live now, when you need her but, youre unwilling to help when she needs you. Much of the therapy I do with these particular patients involves forcing them to confront the deficits that they refuse to see in themselves since their strokes. It would be best to intensify your effort to draw your partner closer in marriage. If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married. Why do I hate my husband? If not and he wants her in the same home, how can you make it a better environment? This helpfulness demonstrates that he is being a "good spouse.". From your original comment I wouldnt have known. How did you get them?? He blames you for the problems in your relationship. One day, she and I were talking about how babies get hiccups and I told her I used to give my oldest a little bit of water and she suggested to give a bit of honey to coat the babys throat!!!! Well, thats just the shittiest. Its not easy, but its necessary. . June 18, 2015, 1:07 pm. . Your spouse is your stepchild. And if you cant afford your own place yet because you and your husband are both unemployed, then TOUGH SHIT. If you cant pinpoint the cause you dislike your husband, check the following possible reasons why you hate your husband: Communication goes beyond what you engage in with friends and co-workers. that you have unconsciously absorbed from your environment. Id look into a home health aide. Not true. Nobody has said that she has an easy life, all of us understood she is having a hard time, but, I dont know, just her tone and the way she talks about the woman whos helped her and plans to ditch her, makes me feel like she is really entitled. I agree that it is too much to handle, but her solution isnt the right one. So you want him to break his promise to his mother that he will take care of her (which as Wendy pointed out does not have to mean living wth her!). Also. What Happens When There Is Lack of Attention in Relationship? My husband is wonderful but he seems to believe that since his mother is willing to pay part of the bills when we buy a house that she is needed. Apparently she moved in with their dad when he left. Marriage is an exciting experience for most people. It sounds like she may have lasting effects from her stroke (judgment issues, memory issues, etc) and who knows, maybe she has other issues as well. Yes, it is if he refuses to reciprocate the love and gesture. The best way to show you love your partner is through respect. Your MIL sounds ill maybe mentally ill, in addition to suffering whatever lasting effects she has from her stroke. Like I was accusing her of being just mean and ugly to my daughter. It makes sense for the letter writer not to delay graduation or accumulate debt or dip into savings during a temporary situation if they were ultimately planning on living with the MIL, anyway. The famous statement that, You might hate your husband because of the wrong ideas from. Aubrey Ray The stress that would put on me every day. June 18, 2015, 2:12 pm. something random We were always made responsible if our youngest sister got angry or had a tantrum. I have mentioned that I love living now? I think the usual rule with inlaws should be that the blood child is the one who manages the relationship, and I think the husband needs to do a better job managing Moms expectations as well as the LWs. Well how nice of you to presume to know that about me. (Little sis called CPS on my father at age 14, claiming he was physically abusing her, which is absolutely not true, and put herself in to foster care. Im sorry. From time immemorial, we hear more awful marriage experiences than good ones. Earlier I was thinking, what does she mean, a promise to take care of his mother? Just because he couldn't help it, it doesn't mean you are not angry that he had a stroke . I really think they should move out and rent awhile and find an alternative way to take care of the MIL. I mean, think about how you would want to be treated by your own children then apply that to your parents or your partners parents. Or is he open to other ideas that wouldnt require your family live with her but instead using some of Wendys ideas? Now If they moved in because he chooses not work right now and they thought it would be easy to just have a free place to crash and that the MIL would be an, easy convenient baby sitter for their kids, then that is something else. Never asked her husband how she was, what her life was like, how she was managing living alone, post-stroke? I hear you. They can force you to question your love and your marriage. They can come several times a week and help the MIL take a bath, wash her hair and change clothes. Duplex is a great idea. Youll need to come up for a plan for the next ten years about how youll plan to continue to help your mother in law with her care, and what your game plan is as a family. 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